Yes, I know about Batman's kryptonite ring.
I read about it in this comic. Go away.
I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last Friday night with my wife. She's not a loser, like me, but she has a wonderful fondness in her heart for losers. (Like me.) We both loved this film, but the question I wrestled with was something I knew she couldn't understand: which Infinity Gem did they have?
Time to call in the big guns. I watched the film twenty hours later with my high school buddy, James. We've been unashamed losers since we were in the same Boy Scout troop, back when owning a comic book collection got you thrown into a locker and referencing Star Trek made girls run away in terror. We earned our stripes, paving the way for today's "nerd culture" and knowing that society would one day appreciate our love of adventure and creative story-telling. Not yet middle-aged, we stand like grizzled veterans from a forgotten culture war.
While the popularity of the New Kids on the Block has leveled off, people are clawing through each other at Comic-Cons to get close to comic book artists, retired sci-fi actors, and anyone dressed as Power Girl. James and I outlasted our enemies and stand atop a world that we created.
But I digress. The film was great, but I needed some questions answered. If there's something I don't know about nerd stuff then James will fill me in. I can always count on that.
For a second I wondered if Star-Lord's dad was Keyser Soze.
When the movie ended James took off his 3D glasses and said, "So...which infinity gem was that?"
I raved in the air. "I thought you would know! What's the point of having you?"
What followed was a long dinner conversation about the Infinity Gauntlet, Batman, and the time his kid pooped on everything. (An untapped superpower, to be sure.)
When we were kids, film studios thought we would enjoy things like Top Gun, but two hours of watching Tom Cruise play volleyball didn't cut it for the likes of us. Today, however, there are movies for losers like me who freak out when Adam Warlock's cocoon shows up on screen.
I never thought I'd see the a film like Guardians. Drax the Destroyer traded barbs with Gamora even though the two aren't in the same IQ class. Hints of a greater, cosmic storyline were littered about. Thanos was dark and enormous like the greatest-comic-book-villain-ever that he is. The Collector did weird things and scared everyone with his hair.
He'll flip ya'. Flip ya' for real.
In case you haven't heard, Guardians of the Galaxy is a great film. If you liked this one, thank a loser. We stood our ground and made this happen.